Childhood
I was raised in the Mormon faith for my entire life. I went to church, went on a 2 year service mission to South America, and got married to a nice Mormon girl in a Mormon temple. But deep down inside I always felt conflicting desires and beliefs. I don't know if this is because of faith itself or if it's simply because of the conflict of Christianity and homosexuality. I don't know and quite frankly, at this point in my life, I don't really care. I just know that I felt conflicted.
Since about the 7th grade, I have always been attracted to males my age. I was never abused (let's get that out of the way) and I was never attracted to adolescents younger than me (we can also get that out of way). I remember always feeling there was a gay side to me but with my religious upbringing and family dynamics I felt TONS of shame to even consider the possibility. I just felt out of place.
My first sexual experience was with a schoolmate. It was nothing earth shattering or terribly vulgar (in my opinion). It was more of a "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" type of situation.
It taught me that I was not the only one in school who was attracted to other boys my age. I told my classmate that "I felt like maybe I was gay." This was the first time I ever confided in anybody about my true feelings. The problem was... he did not reciprocate the comment. In fact, he told me 'he was definitely not gay.'
I felt a shame and embarrassment by telling him my true feelings and I think that was the first time I felt rejection for my sexuality. Looking back, I think that might have been the main reason that it took me so long to tell anybody else how I really felt. Because of shame, I beat myself up emotionally. I felt guilt for my behavior with my classmate for years. It wasn't until several years later that I finally 'confessed' to my religious leader about my behavior. I remember feeling extremely surprised when he did not make a big deal out of it. I was so afraid that he was going to judge me and tell me I was a 'horrible person' but when he told me that it was okay and not to worry about it anymore... I felt a huge degree of relief. He showed compassion and love.
Since about the 7th grade, I have always been attracted to males my age. I was never abused (let's get that out of the way) and I was never attracted to adolescents younger than me (we can also get that out of way). I remember always feeling there was a gay side to me but with my religious upbringing and family dynamics I felt TONS of shame to even consider the possibility. I just felt out of place.
My first sexual experience was with a schoolmate. It was nothing earth shattering or terribly vulgar (in my opinion). It was more of a "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" type of situation.
It taught me that I was not the only one in school who was attracted to other boys my age. I told my classmate that "I felt like maybe I was gay." This was the first time I ever confided in anybody about my true feelings. The problem was... he did not reciprocate the comment. In fact, he told me 'he was definitely not gay.'
I felt a shame and embarrassment by telling him my true feelings and I think that was the first time I felt rejection for my sexuality. Looking back, I think that might have been the main reason that it took me so long to tell anybody else how I really felt. Because of shame, I beat myself up emotionally. I felt guilt for my behavior with my classmate for years. It wasn't until several years later that I finally 'confessed' to my religious leader about my behavior. I remember feeling extremely surprised when he did not make a big deal out of it. I was so afraid that he was going to judge me and tell me I was a 'horrible person' but when he told me that it was okay and not to worry about it anymore... I felt a huge degree of relief. He showed compassion and love.
