I will never forget the night my wife flipped on the lights at 12:30 at night, waking me from a dead sleep. It was the night that my wife would finally find out who I really was. I was dead asleep and had only been that way for a short while. She turn the light on and set and returned to bed. With a concerned look she asked, "Are we going to make this work or not?"...
I replied, "What are you talking about?"
She said, "I read some of your text messages that you sent to James, and it doesn't sound like you want to be married anymore."
I replied, "It's complicated."
She asked, "What do you mean, its complicated?"
I said, "It's complicated."
With frustration she asked, "What are you attracted to men?!"
She said it as if it was the most outrageous thing she could possibly think of and with my head hung in shame I replied... "yes."
"I can't believe this," she said in disbelief.
The conversation we had for the next 30 minutes was so personal that even I will not repeat it. I disclosed to her a very small portion of my behavior over the previous months. I didn't provide her with a full disclosure because of the initial shock of the situation. Let's just say she knew that our marriage has been tainted.
I felt terribly guilty and she was very angry, hurt and betrayed. I think it goes without saying that we slept in separate rooms that night. Neither one of us slept much. I had always wondered how she would react when I told her and now I was finally finding out.
The next morning we had to take my oldest son to a football game. The two of us did not converse at all. We exchanged some necessary logistical text messages but nothing more. When we got home after the football game, we sent the kids to play outside while her and I had THE conversation.
In anger she asked me, "So are you going to move to California and become a b*** pirate?" Always being one to appreciate a good gay joke, it took everything in me not to snicker. There was nothing funny about anything that was being shared.
In response to her question I replied, "I don't know." That was the beginning to the most deep disclosure I have ever given anyone about my sexuality. I told her everything about how I felt but nothing about what I'd done. I told her that I have felt this way my whole life. That I struggled with it and always believe that I just I did what was right, the feelings would somehow go away. That never happened.
We talked for a least 30 minutes. She listening intensely and I sobbed like a baby. After explaining how I felt she expressed empathy, love and concern. She told me that if I wanted to make it work she would stand by me the whole way.
I still can't believe how somebody can be so loving and compassionate under such terrible circumstances. I think if I have ever witnessed unconditional love it was then.
Her demonstration did not make the situation any easier for myself. I was still conflicted greatly inside my heart and soul. For myself, I was still sure that our marriage could never work because of what i'd done. I didn't understand how anybody could forgive another person completely.
The remainder of that day was a quiet. We went about our daily chores and activities and did not speak more about the elephant in the room.
A couple of days passed when I woke up and felt confusion. I felt confused because I wanted to be with my wife. I wanted to be with her both emotionally and physically. I can't explain why or how but it was enough to change my heart to the point that I wanted to give my marriage another shot.
I went on a run that morning with one of my triathlon buddies. Jay has been one of my best buddies since moving to Idaho. He is accepting and compassionate on the inside while rough and wildly, irreverent on the outside. He was the first person in my local area I came out to. I felt comfortable telling him because he had a brother who is also gay and I felt it wouldn't be as shocking to him.
We talk about everything while we are training. You can cover a lot of subject while training 2-3 hours a day... 6 days a week. The morning I came out to Jay was a turning point in my life. I can't remember exactly what was said but I do remember how I felt. I felt hope and the desire to make things work.
When I returned back to my house I went directly to speak with Laura. I told her with tears in my eyes that I wasn't sure if I could make our marriage work but I wasn't ready to give up yet. I said that the day may come when the two of us decide that it does not work but until that day comes we should stay together and try.
The last six months have been an emotional roller-coaster. Since my initial disclosure to my wife a lot has happened. It seems as if my feelings and emotions change daily. The posts on this blog will explain some of these events and experiences.
You are invited to read along if you choose. This blog serves as a personal journal for myself to think through and process all of these. I honestly don't know if we can make our marriage work. But I am going to give it as much effort as humanly possible. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward 10 years and find out where we're going to be and what we're going to be doing. In my mind I feel like we should have all of our issues resolved by then. I guess time will tell. If anything that I write on this blog serves as a benefit to you... I'm glad that I could help. If it does not, I really don't give a shit.