I think deep down inside I thought that getting married and having sex (I was a virgin when I married) would somehow "cure" me of homosexuality. I remember thinking as a single man that if I could only have sex with a girl, I would get physical release and my inner disconnect would fix itself. Of course this was not true.
I want to take a second, and talk a little bit about Miss Laura, my wife. Let there be no confusion as to my love towards this woman. She is quite possibly the most selfless, compassionate, loving, loyal, and wonderful person I have ever met. Any man in this universe would be so lucky as to have her as a spouse. I was deeply in love with Miss Laura and still am to this day. I love her more than anything in this world.
I maintained my new married man purity for a short while until I slipped back into my media outlet (pornography). While working nights in the oil field, by myself, I found myself with lots of time on my hands. What started as causal browsing, quickly led to frequent viewing.
I believe I used is as a way to cope with my attraction to men. Even though I didn't feel particularly good about myself while I viewed it, at the time I considered it the lesser of 2 'evils.' One being inappropriate media and the other extra-marital relationships.
My feelings about this media selection were mostly associated with guilt and shame. I don't know for sure if this is because it is bad or if it's because I was raised and taught to believe it was bad. Many readers will not agree with this comment but as I told you before, this blog is about being honest.
I continued to deny my feelings for the better part of 7-8 years of marriage before I finally started acting out my inner emotions and desires. I can remember very vividly the first action I took to progress towards physical/emotional intimacy with a man. I remember thinking to myself, "if you do this... it will probably start a path that is more difficult then the one you are currently experiencing." I remember the guilt I felt thinking about my wonderful wife and little kids in our seemingly perfect family unit.
Let me be clear and say that I have and had a wonderful life. It was rich with everything I could possibly want except for the one thing... my emotional need for the companionship of a man.
When I took the initial step to initiate contact with one of my gender mates, I remember doing it and thinking to myself, 'I don't plan on doing these things; however, I'm just going to test the water and see what happens.' At no point did I say to myself "I am going to do XYZ behavior with men." However, I surprised myself with every step I took.
I felt like my behavior 'snuck up' on me. On one-hand I had my beautiful wife, wonderful children and a fantastic life that most men dream about. On the other-hand, I had a secret life of lying, deceit, guilt, and shame. This double life is enough to eat anybody up.
Before coming out to my wife I came out to my best friend from high school. He told me that "living a double life is going to get old, really fast." He couldn't have been more right. He was the first man/person I ever came out to. I felt comfortable telling him because I knew he wouldn't judge me.
The initial confession to my best friend was one of many turning points in my life. Finally, I could talk to somebody about how I felt, what I was thinking, and share the 'true me.' To a degree it felt very relieving to have the weight lifted off of my shoulders because I finally had somebody with whom I could confide.
In my heart, I really wanted to tell my wife. I wanted to talk to her and explain it to her but I didn't feel like I could. I remember thinking to myself that I was going to go to the grave with my secret. In fact, If you would have told me a year ago that I was going to write a blog about this issue, I would have called you crazy. I think for most people who experience same sex attraction (SSA), we get to the point to where we can't keep it in anymore. Its as if we have to talk about it or we will explode.
Currently, I don't feel like sex with gender mates is wrong. But only if participating parties have not entered into a predetermined, monogamous relationship. I don't know if this opinion will change. It might but who knows?
Anyway, I finally couldn't take it any more and I decided I was going to talk to my wife. It was time to talk to her about who I am, how I feel, and all my other emotion. Initially, I thought it would lead to her slapping me in the face and telling me to 'get the hell out.' I thought if she really knows who I am, she would hate me and not accept me. I couldn't have been more wrong.
I was done trying. I felt like there was no coming back from my behavior and she would no longer love me. Emotionally I was withdrawn, depressed, and distant from my family.
How I was going to tell her about me was a mystery to me. Miss Laura is one of the most innocent and pure people I know. To divulge these things to her would absolutely crush her as it would any self respecting woman.
After returning home from a business trip in California, it was painfully obvious to my family that I was mentally in a different place. Miss Laura and my kids immediately picked up on it. Laura was very concerned. She knew that I was distant and not my normal self. I had given up. I had finally accepted myself for who I was... a lying, cheating, piece of shit. I felt like I had no choice but to let her know.