I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this. I think its because I'm sick and tired of pretending to be somebody I'm not. I've kept my true self a secret for so long that I'm not really sure who 'my true self' is. I'm hoping that through journaling (blogging) I can better get to know myself and what exactly I want out of life. Maybe something I say can help you if you are in a similar situation. Or at least find comfort in knowing, you are not alone. "What the f***?" I'm sure are the words you are thinking. You heard me. I am a gay man, married, and in a heterosexual relationship. We currently have a monogamous relationship even though I notice super hot DUDES all day long. Although I was raised in a very conservative religion and household, I am not currently religious. I routinely attend a church service to support my wife and children emotionally and logistically. This blog is my way of working through emotions that I feel. I don't exactly know what life is going to bring me; however, I feel that expressing those feelings via the written word is a good way for me to work through emotions and feelings I have. The goal of this blog is to be 100% honest. Don't plan on political correctness or accurate punctuation/spelling. If the words SHIT, DAMN or HELL offend you... you might look elsewhere for emotional support or gossip. I feel like when we are truly honest with ourselves we can discover who we are, accept ourselves and achieve happiness. I am in this process. CHILDHOOD I was raised in the Mormon faith for my entire life. I went to church, went on a 2 year service mission to South America, and got married to a nice Mormon girl in a Mormon temple. But deep down inside I always felt conflicting desires and beliefs. I don't know if this is because of faith itself or if it's simply because of the conflict of Christianity and homosexuality. I don't know and quite frankly, at this point in my life, I don't really care. I just know that I felt conflicted. Since about the 7th grade, I have always been attracted to males my age. I was never abused (let's get that out of the way) and I was never attracted to adolescents younger than me (we can also get that out of way). I remember always feeling there was a gay side to me but with my religious upbringing and family dynamics I felt TONS of shame to even consider the possibility. I just felt out of place. My first sexual experience was with a schoolmate. It was nothing earth shattering or terribly vulgar (in my opinion). It was more of a "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" type of situation. It taught me that I was not the only one in school who was attracted to other boys my age. I told my classmate that "I felt like maybe I was gay." This was the first time I ever confided in anybody about my true feelings. The problem was... he did not reciprocate the comment. In fact, he told me 'he was definitely not gay.' I felt a shame and embarrassment by telling him my true feelings and I think that was the first time I felt rejection for my sexuality. Looking back, I think that might have been the main reason that it took me so long to tell anybody else how I really felt. Because of shame, I beat myself up emotionally. I felt guilt for my behavior with my classmate for years. It wasn't until several years later that I finally 'confessed' to my religious leader about my behavior. I remember feeling extremely surprised when he did not make a big deal out of it. I was so afraid that he was going to judge me and tell me I was a 'horrible person' but when he told me that it was okay and not to worry about it anymore... I felt a huge degree of relief. He showed compassion and love. SINGLE ADULT/ COLLEGE YEARS It wasn't until years later that I started acting on my homosexual feeling again. I felt shame and depression through most of my childhood because of who I was. After going on a 2 year service mission for my church, I returned to college and decided I could fight it no longer. Growing up, I periodically viewed pornographic material which always involved a man and a woman. I always paid more attention to the male. It wasn't until I was a senior in college that I started viewing materials that included men ONLY. I think this was the first step in my life where I started to accept or entertain the idea that I might be gay. I find interesting that as soon as I started to view and enjoy pornographic material of men only, I started to question my beliefs about religion and god. This is a discussing for another post. About the time I felt my faith fading away, I met my wife Miss Laura Sue. She was a breath of fresh air. She was a fantastic woman! Beautiful, fun to be around, compassionate, loving, sincere, honest, and loved football. (Even though I don't care for football, I think this is one of my favorite things about her.) We dated for a short time and decided to get married. I knew I wanted to marry her because when I took her home to meet mom and dad, we were together for 3 days, and she did not drive me crazy! All my other relationships (for obvious reasons) didn't last because Id lose interest in the girls. But not Miss Laura... I didn't lose interest in her.
3 Comments
Robin
1/16/2015 12:17:33 pm
I think it is good to find a place to share how you feel. I would live to here more of how you feel and to help if I can.
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Jeanette
4/15/2015 04:03:48 pm
I, too am in a mixed orientation marriage. I found out my husband of 25 years is Gay over 5 months ago. We are planning to stay together also. If you have not done so already, I urge you to join the yahoo groups for MOM's that are working to stay together, MMOMW (for both spouses) and alternatepath (for women married to gay or bi men.) These groups have been very helpful and supportive to me since I found out.
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Jeffrey
9/11/2018 09:57:34 pm
Interesting parallels to my experience. Your honesty is refreshing.
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