I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this. I think its because I'm sick and tired of pretending to be somebody I'm not. I've kept my true self a secret for so long that I'm not really sure who 'my true self' is. I'm hoping that through journaling (blogging) I can better get to know myself and what exactly I want out of life. Maybe something I say can help you if you are in a similar situation. Or at least find comfort in knowing, you are not alone.
"What the f***?" I'm sure are the words you are thinking. You heard me. I am a gay man, married, and in a heterosexual relationship. We currently have a monogamous relationship even though I notice super hot DUDES all day long.
Although I was raised in a very conservative religion and household, I am not currently religious. I routinely attend a church service to support my wife and children emotionally and logistically.
This blog is my way of working through emotions that I feel. I don't exactly know what life is going to bring me; however, I feel that expressing those feelings via the written word is a good way for me to work through emotions and feelings I have.
The goal of this blog is to be 100% honest. Don't plan on political correctness or accurate punctuation/spelling. If the words SHIT, DAMN or HELL offend you... you might look elsewhere for emotional support or gossip. I feel like when we are truly honest with ourselves we can discover who we are, accept ourselves and achieve happiness. I am in this process.
I was raised in the Mormon faith for my entire life. I went to church, went on a 2 year service mission to South America, and got married to a nice Mormon girl in a Mormon temple. But deep down inside I always felt conflicting desires and beliefs. I don't know if this is because of faith itself or if it's simply because of the conflict of Christianity and homosexuality. I don't know and quite frankly, at this point in my life, I don't really care. I just know that I felt conflicted.
Since about the 7th grade, I have always been attracted to males my age. I was never abused (let's get that out of the way) and I was never attracted to adolescents younger than me (we can also get that out of way). I remember always feeling there was a gay side to me but with my religious upbringing and family dynamics I felt TONS of shame to even consider the possibility. I just felt out of place.
My first sexual experience was with a schoolmate. It was nothing earth shattering or terribly vulgar (in my opinion). It was more of a "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" type of situation.
It taught me that I was not the only one in school who was attracted to other boys my age. I told my classmate that "I felt like maybe I was gay." This was the first time I ever confided in anybody about my true feelings. The problem was... he did not reciprocate the comment. In fact, he told me 'he was definitely not gay.'
I felt a shame and embarrassment by telling him my true feelings and I think that was the first time I felt rejection for my sexuality. Looking back, I think that might have been the main reason that it took me so long to tell anybody else how I really felt. Because of shame, I beat myself up emotionally. I felt guilt for my behavior with my classmate for years. It wasn't until several years later that I finally 'confessed' to my religious leader about my behavior. I remember feeling extremely surprised when he did not make a big deal out of it. I was so afraid that he was going to judge me and tell me I was a 'horrible person' but when he told me that it was okay and not to worry about it anymore... I felt a huge degree of relief. He showed compassion and love.
SINGLE ADULT/ COLLEGE YEARS
It wasn't until years later that I started acting on my homosexual feeling again. I felt shame and depression through most of my childhood because of who I was. After going on a 2 year service mission for my church, I returned to college and decided I could fight it no longer.
Growing up, I periodically viewed pornographic material which always involved a man and a woman. I always paid more attention to the male. It wasn't until I was a senior in college that I started viewing materials that included men ONLY. I think this was the first step in my life where I started to accept or entertain the idea that I might be gay.
I find interesting that as soon as I started to view and enjoy pornographic material of men only, I started to question my beliefs about religion and god. This is a discussing for another post.
About the time I felt my faith fading away, I met my wife Miss Laura Sue. She was a breath of fresh air. She was a fantastic woman! Beautiful, fun to be around, compassionate, loving, sincere, honest, and loved football. (Even though I don't care for football, I think this is one of my favorite things about her.)
We dated for a short time and decided to get married. I knew I wanted to marry her because when I took her home to meet mom and dad, we were together for 3 days, and she did not drive me crazy! All my other relationships (for obvious reasons) didn't last because Id lose interest in the girls. But not Miss Laura... I didn't lose interest in her.