![]() It been awhile since my last post. I think its interesting how the more comfortable I get with the idea of being gay, the less I feel the need to discuss it with the world. That's a blog post of it's own I suppose. I got a question a couple of weeks ago and I thought It was worth sharing on HelpImGay.com. I tend to get a lot of questions that deal with homosexuality and religion. Hmmm... Don't know why. Anyway, Ben asks (I'll paraphrase), "I'm considering dating my male friend from church. We are really good friends and we both feel that its against our religion but we both really want to. What do you think?" Ben,
I have had time to think about the response I want to give. My response I think will be different from those of the other people with which you connect but maybe I will be wrong. For me I don't feel much spiritually. I would consider myself mostly agnostic so therefore, I don't have the spiritual pull on my decisions like many other people have. So the question is sometimes asked "if you don't believe in religion why do you stay in a heterosexual relationship if you are a gay men?" For me the answer is simple but it has taken time for me to realize it. The bottom line is, I married a person not a gender. For me, my spouse is the closest thing to my soulmate that I have experienced to this point in my life. I feel like I would be a fool to not stay with her simply because she is a woman. Like we talked about last night.. vaginas are scary and not particularly arousing for men like us . I tolerate the vagina because I get everything else my female has to offer in return. I get her compassion, love unconditionally, beauty, femininity, motherhood, loyalty and so much more. I always joke with my wife that if she had a hairy chest and a big penis she would be the most perfect person in the universe for me. She jokes back by saying the same thing about me. (Implying that my penis is small and I am NOT hairy enough. Its a joke obviously but a great lesson in showing that nobody is perfect, regardless of their sexuality. ) Now, how does all of this apply to you? Here are my thoughts. If you feel drawn towards religion and you have the desire for a family within a heterosexual relationship you would be a fool to not pursue that. You mentioned that you are a 9 out of 10 gay man. This means that at least a part of you thinks it is possible to be with a woman and be happy. I have had my share of personal connections with men both emotionally and intimately. I am currently an excommunicated member of the church. Every now and again I still feel a void and longing for somebody who I loved but he cannot be a part of my life if I want to stay married to my girl. I had to give him up in order to have what is more important. My wife and children are everything to me and if I have to give up my intimate relationship with [man's name] in order to have that, I am willing to do it. To me that makes me the most happy. This realization did not come over night. It took months and months before I finally realized what I really wanted. So for you Ben, I ask you this question. "What do you really want and what is going to make you the most happy?" This answer is different for everybody. If what you are currently doing is not bringing you closer to the happiness that you seek, it is time to make a change. That change could involve religion or lovers. My last bit of Council is this, be patient. Sometimes we try and rush huge decisions in our lives. This is foolish. Take your time making this decision. It does not need to happen today, this week or even this month. When I was trying to decide if I should stay with my family or pursue a life with [man's name], it took me the better part of 6 months to make that decision. Every time I tried to pull away from my family towards [man's name], something about it did not feel right. I don't believe it was spiritual but rather I believe it was the wrong decision for me and my happiness. If I was in your shoes, I would date your friend. The irony of the situation is that if I had done that when I was in your stage of life, I would have never found the person who I feel is right for me. Thus sacrificing the people who give me true happiness. You will make the right choice for you. Hugs and love for you brother. Cody
3 Comments
Edward Morgan
6/15/2015 02:07:54 am
Happy that you found your soulmate. And you give sound advice to Ben. But if marrying the person, not the gender, is key, why do we never hear stories about straight men finding their soulmate in a gay man? Finding your soulmate is important, but for many people gender is an important factor that cannot be ignored. At the end of the day most people want a soulmate who they can love in every sense of that word, including the physical aspect. Some, like you, might find a soulmate in a gender they are not attracted to. But that is the exception, not the rule, or we would be hearing stories about straight dudes finding a gay man as their soulmate. In most cases we only hear about gay men marrying straight women because of religious pressure.
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Great comment and thank you for the reply. I agree with everything you say. I fully recognize that I am the exception, not the rule.
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etseq
10/2/2015 07:13:04 am
Nice try but I would suggest a bit more humility from a recently out gay man married to a woman who is obviously still working through his internalized homophobia. You have idealized heterosexual marriage and your patriarchal role as the LDS church taught you - even though you have given up the faith, you still are locked into a very sexist paradigm. Joking about your wife's reproductive organs isn't cute and it says more about you being selfish and not allowing her to have relationship with a man who could love her fully, including sexually. In all your blogging, you never seem to realize how incredibly selfish it was for you to marry her without disclosing your orientation and basically using her to make you straight. Leave a Reply. |
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