Im Single And Religious... Do I Date Men?

It been awhile since my last post. I think its interesting how the more comfortable I get with the idea of being gay, the less I feel the need to discuss it with the world. That's a blog post of it's own I suppose.

I got a question a couple of weeks ago and I thought It was worth sharing on HelpImGay.com. I tend to get a lot of questions that deal with homosexuality and religion. Hmmm... Don't know why. Anyway, Ben asks (I'll paraphrase), "I'm considering dating my male friend from church. We are really good friends and we both feel that its against our religion but we both really want to. What do you think?"

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Ben, 

I have had time to think about the response I want to give. My response I think will be different from those of the other people with which you connect but maybe I will be wrong. For me I don't feel much spiritually. I would consider myself mostly agnostic so therefore, I don't have the spiritual pull on my decisions like many other people have. So the question is sometimes asked "if you don't believe in religion why do you stay in a heterosexual relationship if you are a gay men?" For me the answer is simple but it has taken time for me to realize it. The bottom line is, I married a person not a gender.

For me, my spouse is the closest thing to my soulmate that I have experienced to this point in my life. I feel like I would be a fool to not stay with her simply because she is a woman. Like we talked about last night.. vaginas are scary and not particularly arousing for men like us . I tolerate the vagina because I get everything else my female has to offer in return. I get her compassion, love unconditionally, beauty, femininity, motherhood, loyalty and so much more. I always joke with my wife that if she had a hairy chest and a big penis she would be the most perfect person in the universe for me. She jokes back by saying the same thing about me. (Implying that my penis is small and I am NOT hairy enough. Its a joke obviously but a great lesson in showing that nobody is perfect, regardless of their sexuality. )

Now, how does all of this apply to you? Here are my thoughts. If you feel drawn towards religion and you have the desire for a family within a heterosexual relationship you would be a fool to not pursue that. You mentioned that you are a 9 out of 10 gay man. This means that at least a part of you thinks it is possible to be with a woman and be happy.

I have had my share of personal connections with men both emotionally and intimately. I am currently an excommunicated member of the church. Every now and again I still feel a void and longing for somebody who I loved but he cannot be a part of my life if I want to stay married to my girl. I had to give him up in order to have what is more important. My wife and children are everything to me and if I have to give up my intimate relationship with [man's name] in order to have that, I am willing to do it. To me that makes me the most happy. This realization did not come over night. It took months and months before I finally realized what I really wanted.

So for you Ben, I ask you this question. "What do you really want and what is going to make you the most happy?" This answer is different for everybody. If what you are currently doing is not bringing you closer to the happiness that you seek, it is time to make a change. That change could involve religion or lovers.

My last bit of Council is this, be patient. Sometimes we try and rush huge decisions in our lives. This is foolish. Take your time making this decision. It does not need to happen today, this week or even this month. When I was trying to decide if I should stay with my family or pursue a life with [man's name], it took me the better part of 6 months to make that decision. Every time I tried to pull away from my family towards [man's name], something about it did not feel right. I don't believe it was spiritual but rather I believe it was the wrong decision for me and my happiness.

If I was in your shoes, I would date your friend. The irony of the situation is that if I had done that when I was in your stage of life, I would have never found the person who I feel is right for me. Thus sacrificing the people who give me true happiness. 

You will make the right choice for you. Hugs and love for you brother.

Cody