Back in March, I received an email from a gentleman reaching out for help. At the time I remember feeling a ton of emotion and empathy as I read his plea for compassion and a desire to NOT FEEL ALONE! I replied back-to him that I didn't know if it would take 6 days or 6 months for me to respond but I promised to get back with him. Well, it took the better part of 6 months but I have not forgotten him.
We will call him 'Kevin'. Kevin poured out his soul to me via email. His story was not likely much different from yours. To summarize, he was born into a conservative family when he came out to his parents in his early twenties. Later he met a girl who he thought was the right one and for a brief moment he forgot he was gay. Soon after he realized that his sexuality was NOT something that could be ignored. He has never been unfaithful to his wife but frequently indulges in pornography and HATES himeself for it. Does the sound familiar?
My guess is that Kevin's story is much like yours and mine. Maybe not exactly but the basics are there.
This is my letter to Kevin...
You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. I remember experiencing the same emotions that you feel. I remember feeling trapped, alone, depressed, and sometimes even suicidal. I remember feeling all the despair that you are currently experiencing.
I do not know what life holds for you or the path that you should choose. But, I can tell you that if you take your time and have patience, some day you will know. There are many gay and bisexual men currently in your shoes. They are feeling what you are feeling and YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
There are many support groups available to you that can provide you with help. If nothing else you will meet people who are just like you and going through the same things that you are going through. MANY of them will tell you what to do or how to do It. Although these groups are great for moral support, DO NOT TAKE EVERYTHING THEY SAY AS TRUTH. Implement the things you like and discard the rest for somebody else.
If the idea of a support group makes your skin crawl. You can always create your own support group. You can-do this by selectively picking the people you trust and come out to them ONE-BY-ONE. I know this is scary, but when you are ready it is a necessary step in your journey.
Kevin, I have no idea if you are a nice guy or a complete jerk, but I know this... your sexuality has nothing to do with the self worth. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You might think you are broken and worthless but that is not true. You have potential beyond your comprehension and someday, all of this will make sense. Be patient.